Parents and Children
| All parents love their children. They take extra care of their children mostly at the cost of their personal comfort and needs. They become happy with happiness of their children and work hard to bring them up nicely.
Then why children, after growing up, do not take proper care of their old parents when they need support ? This behaviour is very common and much more acute in the developed countries like USA and Europe than in the so-called backward countries where most people still care for and serve their parents. Is it some sort of Hypocrisy or what else, and why is this behaviour very common in those communities who are considered highly educated / developed ? Will anybody, please, clear my mind on this by giving some solid reasons? |
posted by افتخار اجمل بھوپال @ 10:38 am
13 Comments:
At 11:30 am,
Anonymous said…
Ajmal writes:
This behavior is very common and much more acute in the developed countries like USA and Europe than in the so-called backward countries where most people still care for and serve their parents. Why is this behavior much prevalent in those communities who are considered highly educated / developed?
Response:
The developed countries are very materialistic and as such people are not God fearing. I understand that a child just one year old in America is supposed to eat by his/her own hands and is discouraged by the mothers that the kids seek assistance of their mothers. In the day cares for infants, the kids are expected to use the wash rooms independently and no one gives them potty training. There are old people homes there. No one is bothered about their old parents and/or their kids especially when they reach their teens. This provides self reliance to the older and the younger both. Papoo Yars are available in our part of the sub continent. We raise them like that and we start having expectations from them.
Thanks to Almighty we are born in families who are bit God fearing. Let one do good to all including one's kids without any expectations. One remains in peace if one does not have any expectation from Aulad.
Ajmal writes:
Will anybody, please, clear my mind on this by giving some solid reasons?
Response:
I hope that I have cleared a few points to my best knowledge. May be others have different view point. Others have the right to do so. But in case, if you find better reasons from some one else, please do add to my knowledge as well.
Regards,
Amir Hussain, Lahore, Pakistan.
At 9:17 am,
Anonymous said…
Here, in hospitals, doctor has to get permission from the patients relatives to do any procedure to save patients life. When a parent is sick and they ask his/her son /daughter's permission, they don't allow a doctor to do any procedure or give any drug to save parent's life, in stead, ask for a pain killer. Thus the parent dies in front of them. That's the worst thing I have ever heard.
You know why????? Because here parents don't care much about their kids. They only care about their own selves. They just want to make money and spend it for their pleasure. They don't wake up at nights for taking care of their infants. They want comfort and privacy. They put their kids in a separate room even if he/she is less than 6 months old for their own comfort. They want their room to be far apart from their kids’ room for their own privacy.
They don’t stay home to take care of a sick kid. They want to look good and go out on a job and for shopping/dinner/movies and leave their kids with a baby-sitter. They don't have time for their own kids.
When kids became 18 years old they want them to leave the house. If they don't then they even force them to leave and celebrate this moment. They are happy on having more space in the house due to a kid’s moving out.
Ayesha Fawad, Texas, USA
At 7:04 am,
Zack said…
I'll have to disagree. Parents definitely take more care of their children than children do for their parents. But that is the nature of the relationship. Most children do try to take care of their parents when the parents are old.
I also think that there is no major difference in this matter whether it is the US or Pakistan. The culture in different countries can vary and hence the way parents take care of children or vice versa is different, but the feelings and intentions are quite similar.
Among our friends and acquaintances, everyone does as much for their parents as possible, though none's parents live with them (a cultural difference).
At 12:22 pm,
افتخار اجمل بھوپال said…
Yusuf: Sure, it depends a lot on the upbringing which is responsibility of parents but, in some cases, children go against the training given by their parents. In fact, we should always pray to Allah for keeping us on the right track. That is a good omen that in UK, majority of children serve their parents. It is said "A person is known from the friends he keeps". You are good and so have good people around you. As for more people coming towards Islam, it is Allah's promise that Islam will prevail always and ultimately.
Amir: I agree with you. People should not spoon-feed their children beyond 10 years, however, guidance to children is life long.
Ayesha: You have shown me a different angle of the life in Western world. It is correct that, when parents, do not care for their children, how will children serve them.
My Dear Son, Zakaria: It is said “Birds of a feather flock together”. People around you (your friends) should be like you. So are their feelings. I recall in 1967 when I was in Duesseldorf (Germany), an English woman, who always criticized Muslims, once said, “Your Muslim’s family system is good. Children serve their parents and keep them in their houses when they are weak and need care. Our system is very bad only some do so and most of them are daughters.”
At 12:44 pm,
Anonymous said…
Only God fearing kids care for the guidance from the parents when they are 10 years old or beyond. In my view, guidance should only be provided especially to the grown ups, if they care for it otherwise one should keep quite and sit down in the pavilion to see how the people are batting? One remains easy that way. No hard feelings!!! Isn't it?
Amir
At 5:31 am,
Anonymous said…
I disagree that one need religious reasons/God fear to have a good behaviour towards other members of the society. Sp[ecially your love for your children or parents is above and beyond your religiuos beliefs.
As far the matter of taking care of your old folks is concerned, we can not tie it directly with staying under one roof. That's how most people make the wrong assumption that if you are not living with your parents(which is mostly the case in so called developed societies like US)it means you care less.
In developed societies it is simply a matter of practicallity. Both husband and wife have to work 8-10 hours a day to earn a good living. leaving old parents( old does not mean 45 years old as in Pakistani definition, it means old enough when they need real help)
At 5:46 am,
Anonymous said…
I disagree that one need religious reasons/God fear to have a good behaviour towards other members of the society. Specially your love for your children or parents is above and beyond your religiuos beliefs.
As far the matter of taking care of your old folks is concerned, we cannot tie it directly with staying under one roof. That's how most people make the wrong assumption about developed nations attitude towards their senior citizens and say that if you are not living with your parents, it means you care less.
In developed societies it is simply a matter of practicality. Few valid reasons are below:
1. Both husband and wife have to work 8-10 hours a day to earn a good living. Leaving old parents (old does not mean 45 years old as in Pakistani definition, it means old enough when they need real help) alone at home is not a good idea as they may need medical attention etc. And it's very difficult to afford a full time nurse at home so you have no choice but to arrange an old home.
2. You may have to be relocated multiple times as you follow up your career and it's difficult to drag them with you every couple years.
So generalizing that "love and care" of a family is based upon your geographical location/education level/religious beliefs is nothing more than the "holier than though " attitude of some folks.
At 2:51 pm,
افتخار اجمل بھوپال said…
Reference last anonymous comment
One can say that God fear does not play part in a person’s good behaviour but the fact remains that human being and human nature is creation of God.
Condition of living under one roof has not been stated anywhere.
Your conditions 1: It is not true for all families that husband and wife both work what to talk of 8 to 10 hours. There are many couples in America with only husbands working. Also, in Pakistan, a person is known to be old if a person is above 60 years of age and not 45. Further, in some cases even 70 year old health-wise do not need to be served while some time younger need help. The question is of serving and will to serve parents not through nurse but personal service.
Talking of Olds Home, how much percentage of children whose parents are there visit Olds Home / talk to parents on telephone and how many times in a year ?
At 8:30 pm,
Anonymous said…
This raises one more question. Why in Pakistani cultures parents expect more from their sons than their daughters. My parents spent equal amount of time on us, they sacrifised their money, energy and ofcourse their young age. But what do I give in return nothing...just because I am married and living with my husband's family I have an excuse. My parents cannot live with me or I cant live with them because its against our culture.
Regarding your post, I guess its natural, parents tend to do more for their kids than vise versa. I just have little advice for parents not to expect anything from kids as yesterday they were raising their children and now today its their kids turn to raise a family.
We should Thank Allah for whatever he has given us, rather than complaining.
At 7:12 am,
Anonymous said…
---"All parents love their children"
While this is true, I do not think this is the whole picture. Parents are humans so they do make mistakes, with varying degrees. Therefore, love does not necessarily describe the parents accurately. Some parents are negligent. Some parents are controlling. Some parents are bad examples to their children.
Also love is relative, parents can love their children, but they might love their money more, or they might love their careers more. Also, love depends on how it is incarnated in to actions not just how it is inside the lover.
---"Then why children, after growing up, do not take proper care of their old parents when they need support ?"
I find this statement troubling because it insinuates that one has to be good to only those who do him good. What if the parents were not good(as rare as that might be), does that mean that the children are excused for being bad to their parents? I don't think so.
---"Is it some sort of Hypocrisy or what else"
I do not think this is Hypocrisy, because for me hypocrisy means showing the opposite of what one feels/believes. I think this problem can be categorized under such terms as: ungratefulness, selfishness, coldness etc.
---"... why is this behaviour very common in those communities who are considered highly educated / developed ?"
"Considered" is the golden word here. A community where this "Hypocrisy" occurs is not developed and is not educated, in my book, at least.
---"Will anybody, please, clear my mind on this by giving some solid reasons?"
In very general terms, I think the answer for this is the same as for "Why do people kill?", "Why do people steal?", "Why do people fornicate?". Humans with free will can choose wrong or right. Some choose wrong and some choose right. Also, I think these are the possibilities of how one might respond to something good or bad:
(a) Right can be done in response to Wrong.
(b) Right can be done in response to Right.
(c) Wrong can be done in response to Wrong.
(d) Wrong can be done in response to Right.
A high-class person will always do (a & b) above. Now, this is magnified if this was towards one's parents. Obviously, this person goes to heaven. For the person who does (c), he is ignorant and low-class. As for the main question of this post, which I understood to be related to (d), I think the person who does it WANTS to go to hell. That is my only explanation.
Lastly, I think this question cannot be answered completely without a frame of reference. For me, what defines right and wrong above has to come from an absolute and fair frame of reference. To me, this is, undoubtly, Islam.
At 8:51 am,
افتخار اجمل بھوپال said…
Reference post of 08:30 PM on December 28, 2004.
Pakistan is known to be a Muslim state but, unfortunately, neither government nor people (in general) care about tenets of Islam. People still follow old customs which are prohibited by Islam which includes preferring sons on daughter. So far as “expectations from daughters” is concerned, daughters mostly care for their parents more not only in Pakistan but nearly all over the globe. This may have created trend of expecting more from sons. Dear daughter! let me clarify again, money may be dream of the greedy but it is not what all parents want to have from their children. It is only love and care in practical form.
Regarding natural trend of caring for children, yes, it has been kept in every person by the Creator, however, many defy it. If you talk of Islam, God has directed all men and women to serve their parents when the so need it being too old. Living with parents is not compulsory. Thanking God has to be under all circumstances. Will the grace of God, my children look-after me and their mother. Similar is the case of all my siblings.
At 8:54 am,
افتخار اجمل بھوپال said…
Reference post of 07:12 AM on January, 2005
It is true that some parents do not care for or bring up their children well as a result they get disrespect. Love for children or for parents has to be without conditions. If that is for money then it is not for children and vice versa. True that character / behaviour of parent moulds behaviour of their children. And love has to be predictable from practical life not only words. If children sent only cards or telephone their parent on Fathers / Mothers Days and practically do not care, that becomes Hypocrisy.
" ‘Considered’ is the golden word here. A community where this ‘Hypocrisy’ occurs is not developed and is not educated, in my book, at least.”
That is why I said 'considered'. However, if you want to see university degrees, some of them are highly qualified from foreign universities.
(a) Right can be done in response to Wrong.
(b) Right can be done in response to Right.
(c) Wrong can be done in response to Wrong.
(d) Wrong can be done in response to Right.
A high-class person will always do (a & b) above. Now, this is magnified if this was towards one's parents. Obviously, this person goes to heaven. For the person who does (c), he is ignorant and low-class. As for the main question of this post, which I understood to be related to (d), I think the person who does it WANTS to go to hell. That is my only explanation.
Lastly, I think this question cannot be answered completely without a frame of reference. For me, what defines right and wrong above has to come from an absolute and fair frame of reference. To me, this is, undoubtly, Islam.
(b) Right can be done in response to Right.
(c) Wrong can be done in response to Wrong.
(d) Wrong can be done in response to Right.
A high-class person will always do (a & b) above. Now, this is magnified if this was towards one's parents. Obviously, this person goes to heaven. For the person who does (c), he is ignorant and low-class. As for the main question of this post, which I understood to be related to (d), I think the person who does it WANTS to go to hell. That is my only explanation.
Lastly, I think this question cannot be answered completely without a frame of reference. For me, what defines right and wrong above has to come from an absolute and fair frame of reference. To me, this is, undoubtly, Islam.
At 6:20 pm,
Yusuf said…
I maybe understanding life a little more than I did before I was married.
The parents are so loving and caring,but now I realize how the human nature changes time to time, how ego and greed takes over us.
We are born to our loving parents, they give all their efforts. We seek to acknowledge but still lack to express.
We think of good job, money, wife and our kids. We tend to forget the whole equation of whom our parents are, especially in good times. We always remember them when something bad happens.
We are taking the bad examples from the western countries and ignore the goodness, if these westerners say the qalima and pray the namaz they have all the good qualities of a muslim.
I may also be confused to why relationships are parting, why hate becomes a big part of our life and what should one do to ignore hate.
YQ
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